Fidelity - #fidelity #monogamy #dreams

Image by Christelle PRIEUR from Pixabay

 

I have been happily married for nearly forty years. Nevertheless, I don't think I am monogamous by nature. Before my husband and I hooked up, there were periods in my life when I was simultaneously in love with, and had sexual relationships with, two men. I realize that some readers may find this outrageous, as well as improbable. I couldn't possibly have loved them both, could I? And how could the men involved have put up with such a thing? That sort of thing happens only in novels―usually in erotica rather than in romance.

Well, it's true. I couldn't help it. And actually, it worked reasonably well. When I was with either of my lovers, he was my emotional focus. I did not fantasize about the other man. I didn't compare the two of them. Each of my relationships stood on its own, not perfect (that never happens, except in romance novels) but enjoyable and fulfilling.

I didn't lie. My lovers knew of each other's existence. In some cases they had even met. If they were jealous, they knew better than to complain. I gave myself 100% to each of them when we were together. I guess they cared enough about me to be satisfied with that.

But all that changed when I married, right? Not exactly. Before we met, my husband had enjoyed at least as active and adventurous sex life as I did. Our marriage contract explicitly acknowledges the fact that we might not be monogamous. We grant each other sexual freedom, provided that we are honest with one another and always put our marriage first.

In fact, neither of us has been involved in side relationships with other people. However, we did experiment with polyamory in the first decade or so of our marriage. We were both attracted to the notion of finding another couple with whom we could have an intimate friendship or even form a family. We didn't really succeed―swing clubs and parties are not the right places to find the sort of deeper connection we wanted. I've come to believe that real polyamory is something that happens, not something you can go seeking. In any case, we didn't become monogamous, technically speaking, until we both got to the age where it seemed a bit ridiculous for us to be looking for outside lovers.

Despite this, I consider that I've been faithful to my husband. Don't scoff. Fidelity is an emotional concept, not a physical one. Our relationship comes first. His happiness and comfort are my primary concern. I might be drawn to a guy I meet, but I won't act on my attraction if I think it will hurt my husband (and these days, I know that it would). It doesn't bother me if my spouse is attracted to another woman because I'm confident that I come first for him, too. He could have sex with her and it would not diminish his love for me.

I've always had extremely vivid dreams, not infrequently erotic. I have a recurring dream where I encounter some man and there's instant chemistry. I don't usually dream explicit sex acts but every touch, every glance, overflows with desire. (I'm always younger in my dreams―somewhere between 25 and 30 when I was in my prime―so it never feels odd to attract someone's lust, the way it would in my waking life.) I'm so horny that I can scarcely bear it. He obviously feels the same way. It's overwhelming, intoxicating.

Then I'll remember: I'm married. If I go off with this other guy, whoever he is, my husband will be alone. I don't want to make my husband suffer. I know he needs me, needs my company, my presence. So, with some regret, I'll let go of the dream guy and the arousal he engenders. I'll explain the situation. I'd love to be with you, but I can't. I'm committed, and I take that commitment seriously.

I find this dream scenario fascinating. You'd think that in my dreams, where no one would get hurt, I'd let loose and give expression to my non-monogamous nature. Yet I don't. It's a measure, to my mind, of true fidelity.