Friday, July 7, 2017

The Boys of Summer (#nostalgia #romance #music)


Couple on Beach

I never will forget those nights;
I wonder if it was a dream.
Remember how you made me crazy -
Remember how I made you scream.
~ Don Henley, “The Boys of Summer”

All of a sudden this afternoon, this song began playing in my mind. I hadn't listened to it in a while, but I discovered that my reaction hadn't changed. “The Boys of Summer” still brings tears to my eyes and sends chills up my spine.

If you're not familiar with the song, go here:


This isn't a particularly good video, but the lyrics will paint their own pictures for you. Or at least, they do for me.

Why does this bittersweet song touch me so deeply? One reason is the fact that it so perfectly captures the blind intensity of teenage passion – the way sex and love get totally confused when you're burning up with desire. When you're young, the nights are magic and they last forever. Everything kiss, every touch, is new and overwhelming. I don't know about you, but I find this song incredibly erotic, perhaps because it reminds me of my own early loves, swept away by the tides of time.

In fact “The Boys of Summer” isn't really a summer song at all:

Nobody on the road;
Nobody on the beach.
I can feel it in the air,
The summer's out of reach...

But it celebrates the glories of summer, bare limbs, bronzed bodies, and heat that rivals the sun. The song pulls you back to the season when the beach was crowded and girls drove around in convertibles, when rock and roll and scent of sun tan oil filled the air. In the brilliant light of summer lust, forever seems possible, even likely.

The song tells a story, too, one that I might try to express in my own medium some day, if I get the chance. Just three verses, and yet I know the characters: the fickle, flirtatious girl “smiling at everyone”, the brash, naïve young man, hurt yet boasting “I'm gonna show you what I'm made of”. And then the third verse, surely the voice of greater wisdom and maturity, “those days are gone forever; I should just let them go.”
But he can't, and neither can I. The memories tempt me back, to relive the thrill and the pain of first love or first lust – if there's a difference.

While looking for a recording to include in this post, I noticed that “The Boys of Summer” was released in 1984 – more than three decades ago. And even then, I was wistfully recalling earlier summers. It's sobering to realize how long ago it was that I first experienced “those nights” of which this song reminds me. I guess I never will forget them. And honestly, I don't want to.


Thursday, July 6, 2017

Versatile? Or indecisive? (#genre #amwriting #giveaway)

indecisive graphic
I've blogged in the past about my tendency to skip from genre to genre, and the problem that poses for building a brand. Marketing pundits argue that readers who enjoy one book you publish will want more of the same. As an author, though, more of the same is the last thing I want to produce. One of the great joys of writing, for me, is the challenge of new genres and combinations thereof. Hence, over the course of my twelve year writing career, I've published BDSM (M/f, F/m, M/m and F/f), ménage, GLBT (both M/M and F/F), paranormal, historical, science fiction, suspense, multicultural/interracial, steampunk and fantasy.

Should the diversity of my back list be attributed to versatility? Or lack of a market focus? Of course I'd rather believe the former. In any case, the reason doesn't really matter. If I had to stick to a single genre and style, I'd simply stop writing, out of boredom. I suppose that if I were trying to make my living through my writing, I could force myself to churn out one BDSM book (for example) after another. However, that would really kill the joy for me. I'd rather sell fewer books but have them surprise and delight my readers.

I'm versatile (or indecisive) in another area as well – the length of what I write. My first published work was an 80,000 word novel (RawSilk). My second publication was a 4,000 word short story (“Glass House” in the Black Lace collection Wicked Words 8 ). Over the years I've published nine novels, more than fifty short stories in various anthologies, and a selection of other work (novellas or whatever) that fall in between on the length dimension.

The target length of a work strongly influences both my process and my style. A short story (6,000 words or less, by my definition) is like a charcoal sketch, a few bold strokes that suggest rather than define – an intentionally rough framework that allows the reader to complete the picture based on his or her own imagination. I can usually draft a short story in a single afternoon (although I may have been thinking about the tale for days). In fact, I've found that the short stories I write quickly tend to be more effective and engaging than those I agonize over. For me, inspiration plays a major role in generating short fiction.

Novels require far more deliberation. I don't usually create a detailed outline, but depending on the book, I may have a scene list, character profiles and/or a time line. Furthermore, it takes me months to write a novel. Although each chapter tends to be short-story length, there are far more decisions to be made. My novels tend to have fifteen to twenty chapters, but I can't create one in three weeks of afternoon writing sessions!

When writing a novel, I am simultaneously aware of a whole range of issues. How much should I reveal about the characters and their goals, and how soon? How can I maintain suspense without confusing or annoying the reader? Will I have a single cataclysmic climax, or a building series of smaller resolutions? Who are the minor characters and what are their roles?

In addition, there are the issues of consistency and repetition. I sometimes find myself writing a scene and thinking, “Gee, this sounds awfully familiar...” Or I'll realize that I've totally forgotten to include some critical events, without which the story just won't make sense.

So novels are much slower and more consciously-crafted works, at least for me.

Novellas – tales between ten and thirty thousand words long, which seem to be very popular in the romance world – fall into an intermediate category. My main romance publisher calls a 10-15K work a “short story”, but wants the tale to be divided into chapters. Unlike what I would term a short story, there are usually multiple scenes and a plot arc, like a novel. On the other hand, there's not enough time to get into much detail about the context, setting or history. The romantic attraction has to occur more or less immediately. There's not time enough for a slow build.

So what do you prefer, long, short or in-between? Or are you like me, a fan of variety? Leave me a comment below – with your email – and you could win your choice of a novel (Exposure, an erotic thriller) or a book with two short stories (D&S Duos 1).


Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Days of Desire by @TinaDonahue (#eroticromance #pirates #newrelease)

Days of Desire


Blurb

In a pirate’s lair, nothing is as it seems . . .

Shipwrecked! When Royce Hastings is found washed up on the shore of a verdant tropical island, he tells the natives he is a merchant headed for Mozambique. The truth, however, is far more mercenary. Noble by birth, the once favored Royce has lost his fortune and family; now he is a hired henchman on the trail of an elusive pirate. His “shipwreck” was a fake. He’ll stop at nothing to infiltrate the island and capture his prey. His mother and sisters’ lives depend on it.

The last thing Royce expects is to be captured himself. But the lovely young woman who tends to his wounds in the tropics quickly takes hold of his heart. Simone is the island’s healer, and her skilled ministrations not only awaken his soul but disturb his conscience. His path has been predetermined; his identity must remain concealed at all costs. Yet the passion he feels in Simone’s sultry, loving arms cannot be denied. With his loyalties torn, Royce must make an agonizing, unthinkable choice. . . .



The story is brimming with risqué retorts and searing sex scenes.”
Publishers Weekly on Passionate Pursuit



Excerpt

Quietly, Simone slipped inside the room. Philippe wasn’t outside, nor was Adamo. Either Tristan had said a watch wasn’t necessary any longer or the current guard had fallen asleep on the forest floor.

Bacon hung from Royce’s mouth. He regarded Simone’s breasts, new cloth, and brushed hair. Sin burned in his eyes.

She padded to him, pulse racing. His bed-mussed hair showed her how he’d look once he enjoyed her. She fought her urge to smooth back the strands. “Bonjour.”

He made a noise that sounded aroused.

Her heart beat faster. “Finish your bacon, please. While you eat, I should change the sheet.”

He chewed quickly, swallowed, and lifted his face, his lips nearly grazing her breast.

She couldn’t imagine anything more pleasant than his mouth on her. “You can sit in the chair while I tend the bed. Let me help you to it.” She slipped her arm around his middle.

He favored his uninjured leg, brow furrowing, breath coming hard and fast.

She stroked his bandaged thigh. “Does it hurt?”

Bloody right it does.”

He pressed her against the wall, imprisoning her wrists, his length molded to hers. “You’re driving me mad. I can’t take any more of this. I won’t.”

He slanted his mouth over hers.

She surrendered willingly, joyously, accepting his tongue, melting into him.

His savage growl told her all she needed to know. He desired her.

She’d never been more alive.

His touch branded her soul, claiming it, marking her forever. She twisted free from his hold and wreathed her arms around his shoulders, her fingers buried in his silken hair to keep him near.

Their greedy and wild kiss turned tender and slow.

She ground her hips into his, needing to be closer.

He held her so tightly nothing could come between them. Boldly, he cupped her breast.

Pleasure sped from every direction, filling her.

Forever wouldn’t have been long enough to enjoy him. He tasted salty from the bacon and glorious from a flavor that was his alone. His bristly cheeks rasped hers, the mild sting encouraging her to yield further. She longed to wake up each morning to him and this.

They only had now.

Whatever the future brought, Simone refused to dwell on loss. She’d willingly belong to him for a moment rather than have no time at all. In two or three months, she’d say good-bye. Not today.

A fist pounded on the door.

She flinched.

Royce tore his mouth free and limped to the footboard, too far away from her.

About Tina

Tina is an Amazon and international bestselling novelist in erotic, paranormal, contemporary and historical romance for traditional publishers and indie. Booklist, Publisher’s Weekly, Romantic Times and numerous online sites have praised her work. Three of her erotic novels were Readers' Choice Award winners. Another three were named finalists in the EPIC competition. One of her erotic contemporary romances was chosen Book of the Year at the French review site Blue Moon reviews. The Golden Nib Award at Miz Love Loves Books was created specifically for one of her erotic romances. Two of her titles received an Award of Merit in the RWA Holt Medallion competition. Another two won second place in the NEC RWA contest (different years). Tina is featured in the Novel & Short Story Writer’s Market. Before penning romances, she worked at a major Hollywood production company in Story Direction.

Amazon author page: http://amzn.to/1ChWFkO
My page at TRR: http://bit.ly/1vb7eEc
Sweetn Sexy Divas: http://bit.ly/1ChWN3K
Romance Books 4 US: http://bit.ly/1JPtfeS




Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Review Tuesday: Tight Women in Hard Places by Alicia Night Orchid (#reviewtuesday #erotica #femalepov)

Tight Women cover

Tight Women in Hard Places by Alicia Night Orchid
Logical-Lust Publications 2010

I don't think that it is possible to write erotica without exposing oneself. To arouse our readers, we authors must write what turns us on personally. True, we may disguise our personal fantasies. We may displace our kinks and fetishes, assigning them to characters who are superficially quite different from us – a different age, a different socioeconomic stratum, perhaps even a different gender. The emotional kick, though, reveals all. We are able to draw our readers into a world of deviance and delight because we, the authors, already reside there.

Tight Women in Hard Places is a deeply arousing and profoundly personal set of erotic stories. Alicia Night Orchid shares her visions, ranging from the romantic to the perverse, embroidering upon her personal experiences and desires. Each tale she tells contains a sliver, or more, of personal truth.

Ms. Night Orchid's protagonists vary widely, from the inexperienced but sexually ripe grad student in “The Royal Orleans” to the jaded forty-something country singer in “I Saw the Light”. “Ray's Opening” is narrated by a cocky, self-obsessed attorney while “Third Shift” tells the tale of a divorced, down-and-out waitress at a diner. Despite the difference in their voices, one gets the feeling that all these women are aspects of the author. Her character warns in “The Royal Orleans”, as she is making up outrageous lies to fascinate a man she's just met, “never forget that everything that a writer tells you is partly truth and partly fiction”. In reading this collection, I took this caveat to heart. Still, the more extreme Ms. Night Orchid's stories became, the better I felt that I knew her.

Alicia Night Orchid writes long, tangled tales with endings you do not expect. She does not write “sex scenes”. Instead, she manages to infuse passion into every paragraph. One of the best stories in the collection is “Smoke”, the chronicle of a woman's unusual but irresistible fetish. Another standout is “Torn in Two”, an erotic noir fantasy that explores the dangerous, seductive links between sex and death. “Savage Nights” recreates the dope-drenched aura of the Sixties, when all the flowers, drugs and sex in the world couldn't quite drown out the screams of young men dying in 'Nam. “Voyeur Nation” is the sad, funny tale of a woman's determination to get her life together, derailed by her horny, exhibitionistic neighbors. “Fridays Without”, one of my favorite stories, shows what happens when one gives in to temptation.

I commented earlier on the twists taken by some of these tales. I realized upon reflection that only three of these thirteen tales have unambiguously happy endings. In the rest, after the sweat has dried and the breathing has returned to normal, we're left to wonder, “what next?”. The characters are changed by their passion – indeed, if these stories have any common message, it is that sex can profoundly alter one's life and self. Much, however, is left unresolved. This makes the tales more realistic and also more unsettling. There are no simple answers in Alicia Night Orchid's realms of desire.

Tight Women in Hard Places deftly evokes the many moods of arousal – from a stranger's desperate attraction to the joyful rediscovery of one's long time partner. Overall, it's one of the best single author collections I have reviewed in a long time. I recommend it highly.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Smashwords Summer Sale – 50% off all my books! (#sale #freebooks #summer)

Beach Scene

Smashwords is running its traditional summer sale all through July, and I’m participating. Every one of my indie-published books, as well as my Excessica titles, are 50% off or more. Books that are normally 99 cents are free!

If you've been wanting to read my latest releases, but felt you couldn't quite justify the price, now is your chance! Just click the link next to the title, then enter the coupon code SSW50 when you check out. 

 

Here’s a list of the titles you can snag.

The Gazillionaire and the Virgin – $2.50 – https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/611337

Damned If You Do – $2.00 – https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/733108



Divided We Fall – FREE – https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/699997


Hearts & Handcuffs: Romantic Kink – $1.50 – https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/635210
A Contract for Christmas – $ 0.99 – https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/600663

Coming in Costume – $1.50 – https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/588590









Plus I have a special offer for you. Buy any two of the books above, at the discounted price. Email me evidence of the sale and I will send you a third book – your choice! – absolutely free!




Sunday, July 2, 2017

Sweet, Not Smut (#sweetromance #pnr #summerromance)


lake bandstand

Here's a bit of sweet, romantic flash fiction... just to prove I can!

Last Dance

It was hard to be brave.

Jen was determined not to give in to her tears. Across the lake, garlands of multicolored lights outlined the ferris wheel, the tilt-a-whirl and the antique carousel against the night sky. A soft breeze coaxed the dark water into playful ripples and carried the faint music from the rides. Jen leaned against the gazebo railing and took a deep breath of the moist summer air, redolent of roses and new-mown grass. The ache in her chest did not ease.

Her cheeks hurt from the hours of forced smiles. She had fled as early as politeness allowed, not waiting for the cake or the toss of the bouquet, dying to escape the visions of Amanda and Jack-- laughing together at the head table, clutching each other on the dance floor, kissing every time someone clinked a spoon against a glass...

She remembered Jack's kisses. It seemed like yesterday, although it had been more than a year. On a summer night as balmy and sweet as this one, he had parked on a country road outside of town, grabbed a blanket from the trunk and led her through a meadow to a knoll overlooking the river. She recalled the tall grass caressing her bare legs and the heat of his fingers entwined with hers. The black bowl of the heavens arched overhead, studded with blazing jewels. They had settled onto the blanket, lying side by side, entwined in a feverish kiss. His familiar smell, soap, sweat and nautical after-shave, mingled with the scent of growing things.

His mouth was fierce, his tongue bold, claiming her as his and his alone. She rejoiced. His hand slid up her thigh under her cotton dress. Summer lightning shimmered through her.

"Oh, Jen," Jack had moaned. "I can't take much more. Put this on me." He had pressed a small, square packet into her palm.

Alarm bells rang in Jen's head. "But we agreed...not until we're married..."

"I can't wait, baby. It's only three months. Please...!" He had rolled her onto her back and straddled her. Her skirt bunched up under her. His weight was both thrilling and scary. "Don't you love me, Jen?"

"With all my heart. That's why I want to wait. I want our wedding night to be special."

"It will be special. But right now--oh, have some pity on me, baby!"

"No!" She had scooted backward, away from him, and scrambled to her knees. "We promised. You promised." The raw greed she had seen in his face frightened her.

"You know what they say, babe," Jack had replied with a feral grin. "Promises were made to be broken..." Despair overwhelmed her then, as she understood how wrong she had been about Jack Barnes.

She hadn't stopped loving him, though. He had been the one to break it off. "I don't think you're right for me," he'd said. You mean I'm not enough of a slut? she'd thought, blinking away her tears, nodding her agreement that from now on they'd just be "friends". When she'd heard about his engagement, she had been physically sick for three days.

Now, at least, the torture was over. She took in another lungful of the soft night air. The tinny carnival tunes wafting over the water made her smile despite her misery. Since her dad had brought her here for the first time, when she was eight, Lakeview Park had always been one of her favorite places, She loved the smell of frying corn dogs, the melting sweetness of cotton candy, the breath-stealing thrill of being hurled into space by the amusements. When she strolled the tree-hung paths lined with lichened stone, or sat on one of the curlicued wrought iron benches, or stood here on the point where tiny waves lapped at the piles of a ruined wharf, she felt the past enfold her like a comforting blanket. One hundred and twenty years the park had been here, offering its peace and its pleasures.

Then Jen remembered that she would soon lose this as well. Probably the last season, the local newspaper had said. After a decade of losses, the owners were selling to some conglomerate that wanted to build a shopping mall. No one was interested in old-fashioned amusement parks anymore.

No one but me, Jen thought. The tears she had been fighting all day welled up and spilled down her cheeks. Huge sobs shook her slender body. She buried her face in her hands and finally allowed sorrow to overwhelm her. Everything she cared about was gone or going: Jack, the park, her cancer-ridden father...

"Please don't cry, Jen."

A male voice, full of warmth. A strong hand on her shoulder. Jen turned to the source, blinking to clear her vision. A young man stood beside her, dressed in a brown uniform she didn't recognize. His straight black hair was parted on the side. His even-featured face wore an expression of concern. Something tickled the back of her brain, some vague sense of familiarity.

"Do I know you?" she asked. She must look horrible, she realized, with her eyes swollen and her skin blotchy. She sniffled and stood straighter.

"Well, not exactly." His grin made him look more boyish. He had a cleft chin, she noticed, and dimples in his pale cheeks. "It's complicated." He laughed, and Jen discovered she couldn't help joining him.

"What do you mean, complicated?" she continued when her giggles subsided. Something about her companion made her feel totally at ease.

"I'll explain later," he said. He brought his hand out from behind his back. Between his thumb and forefinger he grasped the stem of a single red rose. "For you, sweet Jennifer. A token of my esteem."

How did he know her name? She took the blossom. Its heady perfume surrounded them. "Thank you. But if we've never met..." she began.

"I'm Daniel," he interrupted. "You can call me Dan." He leaned on the rail next to her, gazing out over the lake. "It's lovely here, isn't it? Even with the music, there's a quiet calm that's healing to the soul."

Jen didn't answer. It didn't feel necessary. On the opposite shore, the amusements twinkled like a faraway galaxy.

"In the old days, there was a dance pavilion here on the point. On summer nights like this it would be crowded with couples of all ages, from seventeen to seventy. The trolleys brought us here from town. The whole place was strung with lights. It was a fairy land."

Daniel took her hand. It felt so natural that she scarcely noticed. She was caught up in the picture he was painting of a happier past.

"The orchestra played from dusk until midnight. Admission was a nickel. Over there" -- he pointed toward a clump of trees to their left-- "they sold refreshments: sweet corn, lemonade and shaved ice with syrup..."

"The night we met," he said, slipping his arm around her shoulder, "I bought you a raspberry ice. It made your lips purple. I just had to kiss you..."

Just like that, he did. His mouth was gentle but Jen still felt the passion as he pressed his body against hers. Strange electricity sparked between them. He kept his mouth closed. Wanting more, wanting to taste him, Jen teased the seam where the lips met. He relaxed and allowed her to entangle their tongues. Pulling her to his chest, he ran his hands down her back to her waist. Her nipples peaked under her thin dress. She rubbed them against the odd, rough-woven fabric of his shirt. Between her thighs she began to melt.

The kiss made her dizzy. Perhaps she wasn't getting enough oxygen. The world spun around them, but there was no chance of her falling. Daniel held her, strong and secure.

Gradually the whirling ceased. Dan brushed his lips against hers one last time, then drew back. His left hand rested between her shoulder blades. The other held hers, out to the side. Jen became aware of music. She clutched his belt as he led her in a sprightly waltz.

They moved together across the floor of an octagonal pavilion, its wooden roof supported by carved pillars. Strands of bright bulbs sparkled overhead, radiating from the center to the periphery. Other couples danced around them, the women in tunics and slim, ankle-length skirts, the men wearing cuffed trousers and waistcoats or uniforms like Dan's. She felt the fabric of her own skirt fluttering around her calves.

"How...where...what's going on, Daniel?" She looked up into his warm brown eyes. His ripe lips curved into a smile and those adorable dimples winked at her.

"Never mind, my sweet. Just dance with me."

He led her with grace and confidence. Jen found that if she simply relaxed into his arms, following was effortless. As the music slowed, he held her closer. A hard bulk at his groin pressed against her belly. Languid arousal washed over her in waves. I must be dreaming, she thought. She never wanted the dream to end.

They swayed together. Jen closed her eyes, breathing in his scent of fresh-cut wood and lavender. When she leaned her head on his chest, she could hear his heart, strong and regular. She felt their breathing synchronize.

The waltz went on forever. Then the music stopped. The lights went dark. They still stood, holding each other, at the center of the floor. The orchestra and the other dancers had disappeared.

The summer wind ruffled Jen's hair. The forest stirred around the deserted pavilion.

"Come home with me, Daniel," she whispered. He answered with a kiss, sweeping her back into her voluptuous dream-state.

"I can't," he said finally. "Tomorrow I'm shipping out."

"Shipping out?"

"I'm off to the Western Front. To Marne."

Jen racked her brains, trying to remember why that sounded familiar. "No, don't go," she pleaded . "I've just found you."

"You'll find me again, Jen." He smiled sadly. "You always do. Or I'll find you. Look for me, when you return. Follow your heart. When we meet again, you'll know."

"But Daniel..."

He placed one last luscious kiss upon her lips, then stepped back into the shadows. "Remember me, darling. And don't cry."

The dizziness descended again, but this time she didn't have Daniel's sturdy frame to hold on to. A hurricane raged around her. Tears poured from her eyes but the gale whipped them away. When the tumult eased, she found herself back in the gazebo, sitting cross-legged on the splintery floor. Alone.

"Daniel!" she cried, her agonized voice echoing out over the lake.

"Don't cry," she heard, in her ear, in her heart. "Look for me. I'm waiting for you."

The summer air was heavy with the scent of roses. Looking down, she discovered she still held Daniel's gift. She brushed the velvety petals across her lips, remembering his kisses. "I'll find you," she whispered to the night. "I promise."

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Just Isadora and Me (#autobiography #freedom #IsadoraDuncan)

Leo Carillo beach

Past seven PM, but the sun still hangs above the Pacific as though it will never set and the surfers still dance the waves. Two chicken legs crackle and blacken on my makeshift spit. The rich aroma makes my mouth water. Despair apparently has not suppressed my appetite. Or perhaps it is the proverbial salt air that makes me hungry.

Hunger makes me think of sex. Sex makes me think of him. I turn my gaze to the sea, focusing on the lithe silhouettes of the men among the breakers, willing my mind to empty.

It is my first weekend alone and I have run away from my one-bedroom apartment that still smells of his cherry pipe tobacco. Not far - Leo Carillo State Park is barely an hour north, though congestion on the PCH often makes the trip take longer. Today I flew here, or so it seems, windows cranked down, hot wind tangling my hair, in my blue Honda hatchback that I have christened Isadora after the legendary dancer.

I want to be free, as she was. Free of entanglements, careless of convention, going wherever my fancy leads, loving whom I choose, leaving them all with a laugh and a pirouette.

Last weekend, he disappeared. After we had spent every night for two months together, after I'd given him everything, made commitments, burned my bridges, he was suddenly gone without a word. My imagination painted grim pictures of maiming and murder. I called the local hospitals. I called his apartment, again and again. He might has well have dropped off the face of the earth.

I spent the weekend in an agony of worry. He phoned on Monday to tell me he'd been in Las Vegas, marrying his old girlfriend. He wanted to apologize.

Apologize! I blamed him more for the weekend of hellish anxiety than for the infidelity. How could I have believed he loved me?

Tuesday I had to work. Tuesday night I was drunk and high, trying to dull the pain, ready to fuck anyone who asked. Someone did. He crashed his car and I ended up in the emergency room, panty-less, still wet with his come. I hurt too much to be more than a little embarrassed.

I spent Wednesday and Thursday at home with the drapes pulled, bruised and sore. My now-married ex-lover showed up at my apartment door, full of regrets and sweet concern. It took every shred of will I could muster to send him away.

So here I am. I've never felt so alone. I'm three thousand miles from my family, here in this neon-and-plastic city for my first real job. I was ripe for the picking, I see now, new in town, a naive romantic who'd spent most of her life so far buried in books. I was ready to fall, and fall I did.

The pain is multi-pronged. I don't know which part is the worst. Rage at his blind, blithe cruelty? Shame at my eager susceptibility? Or the constant ache of want, the memories I can't keep at bay for long: his hands, his cock, the way we seemed to read each other's minds? Soul mates, he called us. I laugh and the wind carries the bitter sound away.

The chicken is smoky and succulent. Juices run down my chin. I wipe them away as I contemplate the waves. If I drowned myself, would he be sorry? Would I ruin his life? Do I want to?

I recognize my melodrama for what it is. I'm too sensible to commit suicide, even for the sake of a soul mate. Still, my future stretches before me, vast and empty of love. I know, rationally, that there will be someone else, but right now neither my heart nor my body believes this truth.

Think about the near future instead. The sun finally grazes the horizon. A chill breeze stirs my hair. Isadora waits in the parking lot above the beach, the tent I bought yesterday under the back flap. There are campgrounds here in the state park, I read, or I could drive on, headed north, to San Luis Obispo or even Big Sur. Isadora's gas tank is full and I have my credit card. I don't have to be back at work until Monday.

What do I want - besides him, of course, the man I can't have? Nothing. I find there's a kind of peace in that, as I sit with my back against a boulder on the now-quiet beach. The tide has receded. The surfers have gone home. My campfire has dwindled to warm ash. Purple and gold clouds streak the sky above the murmuring sea. 

 

I could stay or go. It doesn't matter, not really. I'm free to make my own decisions. I feel the tiniest hint of elation. Perhaps I have something in common with the divine Miss Duncan after all. 
Isadora Duncan