Learning to Say No (#stress #deadlines #amwriting)

I hate pressure, absolutely hate it. When I have a deadline looming and my writing isn't going smoothly, you'd be well-advised to go somewhere else. I moan, I cry, I literally tear at my hair. (Fortunately I have a lot of hair.) My head aches. My back hurts. Even the cats know enough to hide under the sofa.

You want to know the truth, though? The pressure doesn't really come from outside. Although I expend a huge amount of energy trying to keep my life organized in order to avoid crises and crunches, in fact I create the pressure.

I used to make myself sick when I was a schoolchild, worrying about my grades. An A- just wasn't good enough. If I didn't get an A, I'd be a total mess, most likely in tears, much to the disgust of my classmates. Now, this didn't come from my parents. Certainly, they emphasized the importance education (which was hardly necessary, since I loved the life of the mind from my earliest days). However, they never pushed me to be the absolute best in the class, nor punished me on the rare occasions that I fell short of my extreme targets. No, that need to excel came from somewhere inside of me.

Writing is like that for me, too. I'm the one who establishes the goals. Nobody forces me to write. I willingly commit to deadlines. No one is going to kick down my door and rough me up if I don't follow through.

The notion of not meeting a deadline, though, is practically unbearable. If I've made a commitment, then I'm going to fulfill it, come hell or high water, the Rapture or the tornado of the century. When I suspect that might not possible, I fall apart.

The presence of deadlines, the accumulation of tasks on my to-do list, and the inevitable unforeseen obstacles - these aren't the source of the problem. No, it's my reaction. I panic. I hyperventilate. I lose exactly the concentration that I need in order to make progress.

So really, what I need to do is manage my reactions. Not easy, but clearly possible. Meditation, exercise, enough sleep, these are all strategies that can help. Mostly I need to get my priorities straight. Yes, my deadline is important, but not as important as my relationship with my husband or my own inner peace.

I understood something else, however, as I continued to consider my post. Sometimes the external aspects of a crunch are also my fault, because I'm so bad at saying no.

I'm the perennial volunteer. When my publisher sends out a note saying that they're in critical need of a story or two for an anthology, I'm ready to pony up and commit to supplying one. When I'm contacted by a fellow author, asking if I'll help judge a writing contest, how can I refuse? Peer reviews needed? Lisabet can oblige. Crit for a colleague? Of course - after all, I've received so much help from others' crits, it's only fair to pay it forward. Take charge of editing a series of books? Gee, I'm so flattered - I'd love to.

This happens in other areas of my life, too. A few weeks ago, an academic colleague mentioned passing that it would be great if I could give a guest lecture to her class on a subject where I have special expertise. Before I knew it, I'd agreed to creating a brand new two hour presentation, which ended up taking two days to prepare - two days that I might have devoted to my work in progress, if I'd thought for a moment and declined.

I've wondered whether my urge to say yes has anything to do with my submissive tendencies. Or maybe I just want people to like me. Actually, to be honest, I think that pride is a factor - you know, the kind that goeth before a fall? I know that I'm competent in a variety of areas and also that I'm the sort who gets things done. When someone identifies a need, I figure that I can do at least as good a job satisfying that need as most people. Perhaps at some level I'm even trying to show off.

I've got to watch myself, though. Pressure just isn't healthy, for me or for my writing career. The quality of my writing is far higher when I can approach it in a spirit of play, rather than as a task that has to be completed.

So I've got to practice saying no, even when I'm dying to say yes. Perhaps some role playing as a Domme might help. You want me to do what to do what to you? Dream on, slave.

On the other hand, I know that would be terribly difficult for me. I've written dominant characters, but they're usually far more indulgent toward their subs than they probably should be. Face to face with a submissive who's eager to offer you his or her whole self - how could you refuse?

Love and Money

The start of a new month always involves some extra work for me. I have commitments as a reviewer and newsletter author that make the first few days a bit rough. Still, I've started to look forward to the transition, because my primary publisher Total-E-Bound sends out their royalty statements, like clockwork, on the first of the month. I open the email from their administrative assistant with mixed excitement and trepidation. Were my sales up or down? How many copies did I sell of my new release? And of course, how much money did I make?

My sales have been trending gradually upwards over the past year. This month (which covered October), though, they dipped significantly, compared to my last statement (which covered September). Disappointment hung on me all day, even though I don't support myself through my writing, and even though I know that third party outlets (like Amazon, B & N, All Romance Ebooks, and so on) normally report and pay quarterly, and that this distorts the numbers.

I was distressed by my own reaction. When did money become so important to me? I began writing for love, for fun. My first novel was almost a lark, a challenge to myself - "I'll bet I can write a sexy novel for Black Lace." Now, it seems, writing has become a business.

Of course, that's the advice I give less experienced authors: remember that your writing is a business. You have to act professional. You need to keep track of your revenues and expenses. You should plan your submissions to maximize your exposure and yes, your financial returns. You can't wait for inspiration; you've got to write even when you don't really feel like it.

I follow these maxims myself, or try to, and seem to be seeing some modest results. Yet now, I feel like a hack. I write because I want to see the numbers climb. Some of the joy has vanished. Although there are still those glorious times when I'm in the groove and the words just flow out onto the paper, they seem to come less often. I spend my time worrying about blog posts and advertising, website updates and deadlines.

I said I don't support myself by writing, but the money I do make is a welcome supplement to my fairly modest income. Sometimes, I wonder, though, if the money is tarnishing the whole endeavor. Am I just prostituting myself? Am I smothering my artistic sensibilities, choosing to write based on what the market seems to demand?

I'd love to hear from other authors about this -- especially those of you who do write full time and count your royalties as your primary income. When money is involved, how do you keep the love alive?

Reminder: If you visited Beyond Romance during my Guest-a-thon, check my Tuesday post to see if you were a winner. If you are, I need you to send me your snail mail address (PLEASE don't post it on the blog!!)