Photo by Rowan Chestnut on Unsplash
Today
is International Women’s Day. The official theme this year is “I
am Generation Equality: Realizing Women’s Rights”.
We
really shouldn’t need a special day to raise awareness of women’s
rights – to highlight the fact that women worldwide face
discrimination, violence, poverty and servitude, simply because they
are female. Gender equality should be a given, something we take for
granted, not a still-distant goal. Alas, that’s not the world we
live in.
Globally,
women still earn a fraction of what men do for the same work, not to
mention the hours of unpaid labor they are expected to provide taking
care of their homes and their children. Women are still excluded from
positions of power, whether in government or the corporate world. In
some countries, women cannot possess property, go out by themselves,
drive cars, choose their mates, or control their own fertility.
Horrific practices like child marriage, “honor” killings and FGM
are depressingly common.
Of
course, we’ve made progress, though it’s uneven. The #MeToo
movement is an example of how women are reclaiming power over their
own bodies. Around the world, women are standing up for their right
to say no to unwelcome sexual advances. We’re coming to realize
that we can fight back against patriarchal norms that encourage abuse
or rape.
I
deeply admire the bravery of the women who have confronted powerful
men and spoken out about their experiences of sexual harassment and
worse. They will encourage the next generation to be more forceful
and more articulate in refusing unwelcome attention.
At
the same time, I worry a bit that young women might get a distorted
message. Of course they have the right to say no. However, I hope
they understand that they also have the right to say yes.
Women
learn from an early age that “nice girls” aren’t interested in
sex – or that if they are, they don’t show it. We’re taught to
be terrified of the label “slut”, and to be deeply suspicious of
our own desires. These cultural norms are just as much a part of the
oppressive patriarchy as the mistaken notion that men have sex drives
that can’t be controlled and should not be denied, or that it’s a
woman’s responsibility and destiny to be “taken” by men.
These
beliefs damage us. They deny us one of the greatest joys in life.
They undermine the happiness and stability of long term
relationships. I’ve met many men who believed the myth that women
aren’t all that interested in sex, that it was normal for their
partners to be passive or “frigid”. These guys were frustrated
and deeply unhappy. They wanted an active, enthusiastic woman who’d
meet them halfway in the giving and taking of pleasure.
Meanwhile
their wives or girlfriends were too shy or embarrassed to expose
their “dirty” fantasies or to ask for what they wanted.
I
somehow managed to grow up without a slut complex. I’ve had a rich
and fulfilling sex life, because I’ve been willing to say yes to my
desires. I don’t take any personal credit for this. I was lucky to
have an open-minded family, lucky too that most of the men in my life
have been lusty-minded feminists who appreciated my carnal interests.
I’ve
reaped the rewards of my good fortune – and I’d love for other
women to do the same. Being a feminist means believing in your own
equality. You deserve safety, respect, and autonomy. You also deserve
sexual satisfaction and erotic joy.
Say
no. Say yes. It’s your choice. Exercising your rights, in either
direction, will only make you stronger.
