Leaving the Garden - #innocence #fantasies #amwriting

I have been writing all my life, and publishing for nearly twenty years. Over that time, my work has changed considerably. Of course, I’ve become more adept from a craft perspective, writing more convincing dialogue, curbing my tendency to produce overlong sentences and so on. However, in this post I want to talk about a more fundamental issue—my loss of innocence.

My early works were naive translations of my favorite fantasies into prose. I’d had little exposure to erotica as a genre. I wasn’t following any sort of rules. I wrote what aroused me personally, without worrying about whether it would have the same effect on someone else. My heroines were sexually voracious, unapologetically experimental, brave, curious and eager for new experience. I was like that myself in those days. The women (and men) in my books were more so.

As a consequence, my first three novels, especially (Raw Silk, Miranda’s Masks and Nasty Business) feature all sorts of activities and couplings. Taken together, they include everything from cross-dressing to enemas—voyeurism and exhibitionism, homosexual and lesbian interactions, group sex, gang bangs, age play, fisting, golden showers, pegging, femdom, pseudo-incest, as well as spanking, flogging, bondage and the like. I wasn’t shy about writing it if it turned me on. And in those early days, before I’d read and written hundreds of thousands of erotic words, almost everything did.

I suspect that many writers of erotica began, like me, by exposing and exploring their own favorite scenarios of desire. The result is often searingly sexy. The author has poured his or her personal libidinous imaginings into the story, with all the accompanying emotions. Readers pick up on the emotional truth, and react to it. These self-disclosive stories are direct and intense. They hit you in the gut, or perhaps more appropriately, in the groin.

Even as I cringe at the quality of the writing, my early stories still have an intensity that melts me to a puddle of lust whenever I reread them.

As I became more familiar with the world of publishing, my work became less spontaneous, more consciously constructed. I began writing short stories to match anthology themes. I contracted with an erotic romance publisher and discovered that readers didn’t necessarily share my preference for pan-sexual diversity. Without realizing it, I acquired the knowledge of good and evil—or rather, marketable versus not.

My writing changed in response to this knowledge. I tamed my id to satisfy editors, reviewers and the public. At the same time, I was learning how to communicate more effectively through my prose, how to grab the reader’s attention and keep it focused where I wanted it. I moved away from writing as confession or self-gratification toward writing for an imagined audience. I acquired the ability to modify my style to match the preferences of that audience.

The market was changing at the same time. The readership for erotic fiction grew but I think the tolerance for extreme or unusual activities shrank. My pre-AIDs-era heroines who’d have unprotected sex with strangers if the mood was right began to seem shocking as well as old-fashioned. My occasional interest in enemas and golden showers would make the bulk of the reading community run away screaming—as well as getting me banned from Amazon.

Perhaps to compensate for the reduced sexual diversity in any one of my tales, I began to experiment with different forms. I wrote M/M, F/F, ménage, paranormal, historical, science fiction, steam punk, in addition to the BDSM that was my first love. As I’ve matured as a writer, I’ve gained the confidence to tackle new sub-genres. I even tried writing a tentacle porn story (“Fleshpot”, currently available in my dark paranormal collection Fourth World).

My publishing history makes me proud. I may not be as prolific as some of my peers, but I’m a far more skillful and accomplished writer than I was in 1999, when Raw Silk poured out of me in an excited frenzy. Still, I can’t help looking back with a sense of nostalgia to the days when reading my own work would leave me breathless and damp.

I’ve finally given up on the notion of being financially successful with my writing, and so I’ve decided to try suspending the censor and critic, if I can, and writing once more from my loins. I’m not the same woman I was back then, though. My life-changing initiation into dominance and submission is thirty years behind me. Memories grow pale and worn with constant rehearsal. I’m post-menopausal, a state which gives me new appreciation for the power of hormones. And I’m pretty well sated from reading erotica by others. It takes an extraordinary story these days to make an impression.

I’ve been away from the garden for a long time now. The gates are barred by time and experience. I have to accept that I may never write my way back into that state of innocence.

Uncensored Innocence

Over the past couple of weeks I have been re-editing and revising my second novel, Incognito, for a new release. (I’ll be adding a new chapter soon.) One thing that has struck me about this book, originally published as erotica by Blue Moon in 2003, is how innocent it is.

If you’ve read the novel, you may be astonished by this comment. It’s one of the most explicit and transgressive things I’ve ever written. It includes almost every variety of sexual activity I can imagine (well, that I did imagine!)—bondage, spanking, flogging, age play, ménage (FFM and MFFM), femdom, lesbian and homoerotic activity, public sex, anonymous sex, even a double penetration on a billiard table. How can I call such a story “innocent”?

What I mean is that when I wrote the novel, I was innocent. Innocence implies a lack of knowledge, even ignorance. The word definitely describes me at that point in my career. I knew nothing about the constraints or conventions of genre. I had no notion that some types of sex were banned. (Of course, the rules might have been looser a decade ago.)

Incognito is unquestionably a romance, though I didn’t write it with that conscious intention. The story follows the core trajectory of that genre, chronicling the development of a loving relationship between my heroine Miranda and my hero Mark. The classic obstacle has to do with Miranda’s fear of loving sex, due to her early experiences. Over the course of the book, she conquers this fear. The novel has an unequivocally happy ending that even includes an engagement ring.

At the same time, the book breaks all the rules I’ve (since) learned about the expectations and preferences of romance readers. While Miranda is figuring out how she feels about Mark, she has all sorts of sexual adventures with other people—mostly strangers—women as well as men. I’d never dare write something like this for a romance audience now. They’d hate me and give me one star reviews. In fact, I’m sure my editors would censor such activities right out of existence. (They've done that with much less blatant examples in other books.) Back then , though, I wrote what turned me on and what fit my characters. Miranda represented certain aspects of myself. I’m bisexual, at least in theory. She put my theories into practice.

Then there’s the fact that the book includes sex between cousins (who pretend to be twins), and the sexual initiation of a seventeen year old male by his much older aunt. As I edited this (very hot) scene recently, I wondered whether I’d be forced to cut it. These days it’s eighteen or nothing, and anything even hinting of sex between family members is strictly verboten.

I gave away my virginity at the age of fifteen. I can’t pretend that teenagers are asexual beings. I supposed I could bump up the age of my hero by a year or two, but it wouldn’t have the same impact.

As I work my way through a book I wrote so long ago, I remember the thrill I felt creating it. I reveled in the freedom to expose and explore my fantasies. Miranda’s adventures go far beyond what I’d dared in real life. I blush now at the extreme quality of some scenes. At the time, though, I didn’t bat an eyelash. I found these scenes arousing. I didn’t doubt that my readers would, too.

The book is currently available at Totally Bound, and they’re going to re-release the new version. They’re a pretty traditional erotic romance publisher. I wouldn’t be surprised if they want me to cut or alter some of the more controversial scenes.

Writing this blog post has made me realize that I’m not going to do that. I won’t do violence to the original vision of the novel. If they won’t publish it in its current form, so be it. I’ll take it somewhere else.

Innocence is precious. I believe it should be cherished.

Arousal of the Imagination

By Holly J. Gill (Guest Blogger)

Inspiration comes when you least expect it. You never know when the idea is going to take hold and lure you in, giving the characters the chance to talk and develop their story. For me inspiration comes from everything around me, hearing a tune, watching people, seeing something on the TV, reading a book, pictures, overhearing a conversation, reading an article. The list is endless, but for me, with my latest release Innocence it appeared fate took over.

I am fortunate enough to live in the UK and it’s a two hour drive to the destination I used for Innocence, based in Yorkshire, a county in northern England. Yorkshire is best known for its Roman and Viking heritage, as well as its Norman castles, medieval abbeys, Industrial Revolution-era cities and two national parks. The county town of York, founded by the Romans, has a 13th-century Gothic minster, Tudor houses and medieval walls. The interactive Jorvik Viking Centre recalls the area’s 9th-century occupation. The famous street called The Shambles has old 14^th century timber-framed overhanging buildings. I love Yorkshire. Visiting the area for a day’s outing is always a blessing, just giving me time to reflect and admire the rolling hills and the beautiful setting. 

I first started writing Innocence back in November 2013. I wrote the first four pages of Kacey on the verge of ending her life, by jumping into the flowing river below her, only much to her annoyance a young man appears while taking a stroll. Angry, she wanted him to go away, but he wasn’t going to do that. Ideas kept creeping into my mind, but weren’t good enough. It didn’t drive me. So I allowed the four pages to sit and wait.

When writing a later novel, I found myself compelled, loving a privately owned estate with a grand hall. The surroundings blew me away. I spent endless hours googling the hall, not only the exquisite style of the hall itself but also the vital river running through the land. Now due to the hall being for sale, I had a great chance to admire the outstanding property, which kept some of its extravagant period features. The landscape left me jealous, so picture perfect, situated in Yorkshire, set in rolling countryside on the edge of the Howardian Hills Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty and adjacent to a small yet attractive village. This estate lies 14 miles from York. I longed to use the same location in a book. Then suddenly the four pages that I’d started months previously had their setting, leaving Calvin and Kacey from Innocence to start telling me their story. I re-started the book in April 2014, and I carried on writing the series until it finished four books later.

Now, as I mentioned, the start of the story had already began at a river. The estate and its surroundings were ideal. Kacey was in a bad way, unsure where her life was heading, having no hope, certain that ending her life would be the only answer. While she walked dazed, scared, and lonely, she came across a river bridge. She looked down to the river and decided to walk onto private land down to the river to find the ideal spot to end her miserable life. That private land was Calvin Edward’s parent’s home, which had been in the family for generations.

I have been fortunate enough to visit and get up close to the hall and explore the landscape, getting the real feel of its idyllic surroundings. I have walked the pathway where Calvin found Kacey, so quiet and relaxing, hearing only the sound of the river and the birds singing. Of course being an author I changed a few things around, like the fact that on the land there is a mill that has been restored in recent years. Much hard work and dedication has been put into the mill to have it working in its original state. Another feature that I changed was the barns. In reality, the barns that had once been used by the owners of the hall have been sold to a local developer and renovated into homes. The barn in Innocence remains as a barn and owned by the hall, again this being used as a landmark throughout the series. I also visited the local village where Kacey had grown up and had a meal in the very pub I used in the story. This helped me get a real feel for the atmosphere, as well as letting me enjoy one of their delightful meals and taste their guest ale.

I was excited and got quite emotional, visiting the very place where I had set Innocence. The story itself is powerful, heart-wrenching, tear-jerking, yet the novel is funny at times. As I approached the bridge, where Kacey originally stops and looks down to the fast flowing river, I could feel her, sense her state of mind, her anguish, pain—not thinking clearly, seeing nothing but red. This for me was a heart-stopping moment that made the trip extra special.

As for the characters, you cannot help but fall in love with Calvin Edwards, for his sweetness, his fresh faced good-looks, and the way he gives Kacey a chance, help, desire and more importantly courage. The fact that he’s only up north visiting his parents when really his life is down in London working for his father’s real-estate company doesn’t deter him. Although his life is elsewhere, he wants nothing but to make sure Kacey stays safe, and that she knows she has a friend who cares.

Kacey Richards, after a good childhood growing up in the village and educated at an all-girls school, leaves home when she’s sixteen. We pick her story up ten years later, at age twenty six where she has lost everything. She’s heavily pregnant, scared for her future and her unborn daughter. She has no money and no home. Her drug-addict boyfriend has dumped her and she can only see one direction, misery, with her daughter being taken from her and a life in the slums.

Using this hall inspired me, giving me so many opportunities to to develop the story. The land, the hall, the barn, and the stunningly breath-taking countryside that surrounded them, were perfect to arouse my imagination. I never imagined the story leading where it does, and how Calvin longs to help Kacey, get her back on the right path, giving her the stability and importantly someone who would listen to her, a shoulder to cry on. Only Calvin never imagined discovering what he does, turning his life around.

While writing this series, I had to tread carefully. I had to do research, to make sure everything was correct although unfortunately the way things are done in England is different from the way things are done in the States, as I discovered when my wonderful editor and proof-reader got their hands on the book. Thankfully through personal experiences I knew my information in UK was correct and stuck to it.

For me writing this novel gave me a challenge that changed my genre and tested my ability. While I wrote the first book of the series I had many moments of crying. I had to stop writing to calm down, before my return. This story pulled severally on my heartstrings and as reviews are saying—‘unique’ ‘heart-wrenching’ ‘a page turner’—for me Calvin and Kacey have achieved what they drove me to write.

Giveaway

Thank you so much for reading this post and thank you for having me as a guest to celebrate my latest release, Innocence. I’m giving away a PDF file of the book. Just leave me a comment telling me where is your favorite place to read. Don’t forget to include your email address.

The Innocence Series

Innocence

Innocence of Love

Breaking Innocence

Return To Innocence

Blurb

Innocence (Book 1)

Calvin Edwards has everything he could dream about— perfect lifestyle, running the family real-estate company back in London. He takes a holiday up north to visit his parents only to find a young pregnant woman attempting to take her life. Wishing to help, Calvin becomes a friend to her, only fears he’s out of his depth. Just when he thinks he can do this his past resurfaces, sending his life crashing.

Kacey is pregnant and her life is out of control with nowhere left to go. She descends on her mum for one last chance for help, only to have the door slammed in her face. At her wits end, she is alone, scared, and helpless until Calvin comes along. He becomes a dear friend giving her kindness, something she thought no longer existed in the world. Only she finds what she’d pushed to the back of her mind through selfish pain is back. Her past with all its mistakes has come back to life!

Excerpt

“What the heck has she been telling you? Honestly, that girl wouldn’t know the word truth if it hit her in the face. She is after money, no doubt to take back to her drug dealing boyfriend.”

Calvin stepped forward needing to correct the evil woman. “She finished it, and she isn’t with him. Instead, she is scared and looking for someone to love her, but clearly the word ‘love’ means nothing to you. What mother,” he said, marching forward pointing his finger in her face. “Would allow their daughter at her most vulnerable state to leave her to walk the streets, how can you not care? No shame? She is frightened and yet, she is the one holding the grudge with you…yet you have turned it onto her. She is broken, has no-one and nowhere to go and yet you…you.” He gritted his teeth.

“Calvin,” he heard his mother’s voice from behind as she touched his left shoulder. “Step back.”

“No,” he growled. “She,” he said, pointing to Rosalind, “What she has done. I saved your daughter. I,” he said, thumping his chest. “I stopped your daughter from jumping off the bridge. I saved her. I was the one who coaxed her down,” he screamed.

Tears ran down his cheeks and could feel his mum holding onto his shoulder for comfort. He had to do it. He had to make her see how weak her daughter was and her mental state.

Rosalind widened her eyes glaring at him.

“Yes, I saved her, I stopped her,” he said lowering his voice in heartache. “All she needed was someone to reach out to and help her take care of her. She has nothing…nothing. You imagine feeling that lonely,” he said, glaring deep into her eyes through the tears.

“I have spent a few days listening to your daughter trying to help her, guide her, get her the help she needs, but as my good friend keeps telling me! She isn’t my problem, but I have made her my problem. I want to help her, and no, it’s not just because she’s expecting your grandchild,” he snarled. Calvin didn’t want anyone assuming that, but they would, of course they would, and he’d be the first to admit when he saw her bump, he had to do what he could to get her down from the bridge.

“Calvin,” his mum muttered.

“No, Mum,” he said, turning his head to glare at her. He watched his mum gulp. “Even you would admit you were fooled into the real reason why she left the village.” He turned his head back to meet Rosalind’s eyes. “Weren’t we?”

Rosalind still looked gormless, frowning like she had no idea what he was talking about.

“Don’t you care your daughter was about to jump into the river and take her and the baby's life?” he sneered.

She stared at him, shocked, like she had no idea what was going on with her daughter, the puzzlement across her face and her eyes roamed all over the room, like the walls would give her answers.

“I’m sorry.”

He shuddered.

“Sorry! Is that all you can say. Sorry,” he heightened his voice. “Well, you're saying it to the wrong person, but then why would you wish to waste your breath on your daughter, when she is the one who has disgraced you. I mean heaven forbid she would turn out to be the little angel you had wished for, but noooo, she had to get herself knocked up, didn’t she?” he roared.

About Holly J. Gill

A wife and a mum to three grown up children, and lives in the UK. Holly J. Gill is a romance writer, her main genre being erotic romance. She has recently been exploring new channels, including paranormal and contemporary. Holly has been writing since being a young girl, having characters talking to her, and longing to get their stories written. Finally, her dream came true two years ago, when getting her first contract with Secret Cravings Publishing for her Desires series. In Holly’s spare time she loves spending quality time with her family, seeing friends for lunches and sharing her new potential ideas for books. She enjoys listening to music, watching movies and travelling around England visiting the beautiful countryside.

Writing is where Holly’s heart is… 

 

Where to find Holly

Facebook author page: https://www.facebook.com/hollyjgillauthor?ref=hl

Erotic Holly :http://hollyjgill.blogspot.co.uk/?zx=b9ccabad8f15e367

Romance Holly : http://hollyjodygill.blogspot.co.uk/

Twitter : https://twitter.com/HollyJGill

Google + : https://plus.google.com/u/0/107879443337932231480/posts

Goodreads : https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/6860426.Holly_J_Gill

Pinterest : http://uk.pinterest.com/gill0839/

Tsu : http://www.tsu.co/hollyjgill

Where to find Holly’s books

SCP : http://store.secretcravingspublishing.com/index.php?main_page=products_all&filter_author=174&zenid=2unavehb55185g8ffp99l1oe15

Amazon UK : http://www.amazon.co.uk/Innocence-Book-Holly-J-Gill-ebook/dp/B00Y5OSHS4/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1432456496&sr=8-3&keywords=holly+j+gill

Amazon US : http://www.amazon.com/Innocence-Book-Holly-J-Gill-ebook/dp/B00Y5OSHS4/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1432456537&sr=8-2&keywords=holly+j+gill

Smashwords : https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/545028

All Romance : https://www.allromanceebooks.com/product-innocence-1814352-149.html

Barnes and Noble : http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/innocence-holly-j-gill/1121989627?ean=2940151564076