The right to say no … or yes – #GenerationEquality @UNWomen #MeToo

 Photo by Rowan Chestnut on Unsplash

 

Today is International Women’s Day. The official theme this year is “I am Generation Equality: Realizing Women’s Rights”.

We really shouldn’t need a special day to raise awareness of women’s rights – to highlight the fact that women worldwide face discrimination, violence, poverty and servitude, simply because they are female. Gender equality should be a given, something we take for granted, not a still-distant goal. Alas, that’s not the world we live in.

Globally, women still earn a fraction of what men do for the same work, not to mention the hours of unpaid labor they are expected to provide taking care of their homes and their children. Women are still excluded from positions of power, whether in government or the corporate world. In some countries, women cannot possess property, go out by themselves, drive cars, choose their mates, or control their own fertility. Horrific practices like child marriage, “honor” killings and FGM are depressingly common.

Of course, we’ve made progress, though it’s uneven. The #MeToo movement is an example of how women are reclaiming power over their own bodies. Around the world, women are standing up for their right to say no to unwelcome sexual advances. We’re coming to realize that we can fight back against patriarchal norms that encourage abuse or rape.

I deeply admire the bravery of the women who have confronted powerful men and spoken out about their experiences of sexual harassment and worse. They will encourage the next generation to be more forceful and more articulate in refusing unwelcome attention.

At the same time, I worry a bit that young women might get a distorted message. Of course they have the right to say no. However, I hope they understand that they also have the right to say yes.

Women learn from an early age that “nice girls” aren’t interested in sex – or that if they are, they don’t show it. We’re taught to be terrified of the label “slut”, and to be deeply suspicious of our own desires. These cultural norms are just as much a part of the oppressive patriarchy as the mistaken notion that men have sex drives that can’t be controlled and should not be denied, or that it’s a woman’s responsibility and destiny to be “taken” by men.

These beliefs damage us. They deny us one of the greatest joys in life. They undermine the happiness and stability of long term relationships. I’ve met many men who believed the myth that women aren’t all that interested in sex, that it was normal for their partners to be passive or “frigid”. These guys were frustrated and deeply unhappy. They wanted an active, enthusiastic woman who’d meet them halfway in the giving and taking of pleasure.

Meanwhile their wives or girlfriends were too shy or embarrassed to expose their “dirty” fantasies or to ask for what they wanted.

I somehow managed to grow up without a slut complex. I’ve had a rich and fulfilling sex life, because I’ve been willing to say yes to my desires. I don’t take any personal credit for this. I was lucky to have an open-minded family, lucky too that most of the men in my life have been lusty-minded feminists who appreciated my carnal interests.

I’ve reaped the rewards of my good fortune – and I’d love for other women to do the same. Being a feminist means believing in your own equality. You deserve safety, respect, and autonomy. You also deserve sexual satisfaction and erotic joy.

Say no. Say yes. It’s your choice. Exercising your rights, in either direction, will only make you stronger.