Image by Christelle PRIEUR from Pixabay
I
have been happily married for nearly forty
years. Nevertheless, I don't think I am monogamous by nature. Before
my husband and I hooked up, there were periods in my life when I was
simultaneously in love with, and had sexual relationships with, two
men. I realize that some readers may find this outrageous, as well as
improbable. I couldn't possibly have loved them both, could I? And
how could the men involved have put up with such a thing? That sort
of thing happens only in novels―usually in erotica rather than in
romance.
Well,
it's true. I couldn't help it. And actually, it worked reasonably
well. When I was with either of my lovers, he was my emotional focus.
I did not fantasize about the other man. I didn't compare the two of
them. Each of my relationships stood on its own, not perfect (that
never happens, except in romance novels) but enjoyable and
fulfilling.
I
didn't lie. My lovers knew of each other's existence. In some cases
they had even met. If they were jealous, they knew better than to
complain. I gave myself 100% to each of them when we were together. I
guess they cared enough about me to be satisfied with that.
But
all that changed when I married, right? Not exactly. Before we met,
my husband had enjoyed at least as active and adventurous sex life as
I did. Our marriage contract explicitly acknowledges the fact that
we might not be monogamous. We grant each other sexual freedom,
provided that we are honest with one another and always put our
marriage first.
In
fact, neither of us has been involved in side relationships with
other people. However, we did experiment with polyamory in the first
decade or so of our marriage. We were both attracted to the notion of
finding another couple with whom we could have an intimate friendship
or even form a family. We didn't really succeed―swing clubs and
parties are not the right places to find the sort of deeper
connection we wanted. I've come to believe that real polyamory is
something that happens, not something you can go seeking. In any
case, we didn't become monogamous, technically speaking, until we
both got to the age where it seemed a bit ridiculous for us to be
looking for outside lovers.
Despite
this, I consider that I've been faithful to my husband. Don't scoff.
Fidelity is an emotional concept, not a physical one. Our
relationship comes first. His happiness and comfort are my primary
concern. I might be drawn to a guy I meet, but I won't act on my
attraction if I think it will hurt my husband (and these days, I know
that it would). It doesn't bother me if my spouse is attracted to
another woman because I'm confident that I come first for him, too.
He could have sex with her and it would not diminish his love for me.
I've
always had extremely vivid dreams, not infrequently erotic. I have a
recurring dream where I encounter some man and there's instant
chemistry. I don't usually dream explicit sex acts but every touch,
every glance, overflows with desire. (I'm always younger in my
dreams―somewhere between 25 and 30 when I was in my prime―so it
never feels odd to attract someone's lust, the way it would in my
waking life.) I'm so horny that I can scarcely bear it. He obviously
feels the same way. It's overwhelming, intoxicating.
Then
I'll remember: I'm married. If I go off with this other guy, whoever
he is, my husband will be alone. I don't want to make my husband
suffer. I know he needs me, needs my company, my presence. So, with
some regret, I'll let go of the dream guy and the arousal he
engenders. I'll explain the situation. I'd love to be with you, but I
can't. I'm committed, and I take that commitment seriously.
I
find this dream scenario fascinating. You'd think that in my dreams,
where no one would get hurt, I'd let loose and give expression to my
non-monogamous nature. Yet I don't. It's a measure, to my mind, of
true fidelity.
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