Gimme the Good Ol' Days

By Ginger Simpson (Guest Author)

I've always been very open to suggestion and even had to stop watching Marcus Welby M.D. in my youth because I manifested the same symptoms the morning after I viewed an episode. Now don't class me as a hypochondriac... there's a vast difference between inventing illness and mimicking one.

I thought I had a pretty good handle on that problem, but now I have to worry about the side affects of the medicines I take. You know all those things they babble at sound faster than the speed of light at the end of the recommending ad. Would you rather have RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) or a severe gambling problem? I'm not sure. Depends on my luck, I guess. Ohhh, let’s not mention “Depends.” I’m not there yet, thankfully.

Although I don't suffer from genital warts, I'm thrilled that those with the condition are trying to protect their partner by taking a little pill a day, but how happy will they be when their mates suffer a stroke? How about that commercial that shows someone slumbering restfully after ingesting just one little tablet? How peaceful can you sleep when complex behaviors such as “sleep-driving” have been reported by people taking the drug. I kid you not! And what about this epidemic of penile flacidity? Is that even a word? Has this always been a problem and if so, why are we forced to hear about it now? I’m still trying to figure out the connection between an enhancing drug and two people in separate bathtubs.

I take medication for atrial fibrillation that comes with a warning list a mile long. I can't take over-the-counter cold medicines because I might have a stroke, and if I combine it with a certain anti-depressant, I might become suicidal. Next thing I know, I won't be able to have sex on a night with a full moon in any month beginning with J. Now I’m taking blood thinners too, so I can’t eat leafy greens. It has something to do with the vitamin in them that interferes with the thinning process. Not eating leafy greens is also causing a problem with another thinning process…my butt!

What happened to the days when we didn't have to hear about feminine itching, hemorrhoids and especially sexual dysfunction. Do we really want to see a couple who has that problem, see the twinkle in their eye and know their business? I don't. I'm an author and I believe in a good romance, but I like something left to the imagination. Don't you?

I don’t even like buying Preparation H or laxatives, so I certainly don’t want to watch a commercial that fully explains why they’re needed. I like the old days when some things were still sacred.

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For more humor and wisdom from Miz Ginger, visit her blog Dishin' It Out and her website http://www.gingersimpson.com.

Also, Ginger explicitly asked me to wish everyone of you Happy Holidays!